Nice Jewish faggot seeks job

Hello, prospective employer or friend of employer:

I am a nice Jewish faggot, and I would like to work for you. What are my qualifications and skills, you might ask?

Well, let me first say that I have an Honors degree from the University of Michigan in Russian Language and Literature (class of 2009). At university, I also studied subjects like Polish and political science, was involved with LGBT activism and awareness-raising, and even appeared in a Holly Hughes play, delivering a self-penned monologue about racist buildings while sitting on Erin Markey’s tongue.

I did my undergrad thesis on the relationship between Futurism and totalitarianism. For this, I translated heretofore untranslated essays by Jaroslav Seifert from the Czech (whilst simultaneously learning Czech on the fly!), read and analyzed the entire oeuvres of several Italian, Russian and Czech modernists, and used a year and a half of sleeplessness to worm my way into the committee’s hearts. Other notable academic work at UofM included an essay on post-punk in the postmodern Communist city, focusing on the early work of the Polish band Maanam.

Say it with me: the postmodern poetics of Polish post-punk.

While at UofM, I also worked in the Office of Women in Science and Engineering (WISE). I created and edited communications for the office, including email updates and their online and print newsletters. Even when the funding for my position ran out, WISE decided to keep me on for all four years of my UofM experience, and I am very grateful.

In 2008, I began working for a leading online content creation company, eventually settling into a niche as a health writer. I focused on sexually transmitted infections, HIV/AIDS, skincare and acne, and especially conditions caused by the human herpesviruses, with an almost depressingly laser-like focus on shingles. I spent the rest of my tenure at this company doing specialized copy editing. Literally thousands of work samples available on demand.

And that doesn’t even begin to cover my artistic ventures!

I have released two independent albums, “Girl House” (2010) and “Orchestrated Underwear” (2011) as well as a series of EPs of original, cover and even holiday satire material. I am America’s gay Jewish folksinger! Available to play tales of woe and woo on demand in English, Russian, Polish and French.

It’s like Leonard Cohen and Marianne Faithfull had a pissed-off gay French baby!

(And would you know it? I’ve also done all the artwork for my albums [except Orchestrated Underwear]!)

Since 2009, I have published steadily in online and print literary hotspots like Arsenic Lobster, Polari Journal, Rose & Thorn Journal and Weaponizer, among others. My first chapbook, If I Go Now, will be released this spring by Gertrude Press. I specialize in the highly homosexual, the roughly wry, and the purposely plotless. I even wrote a little erotica in college! And you can’t beat that. (Don’t finish that thought.)

And if you can imagine me squeezing it into my whirlwind published schedule, I was a regular performer/guy who yelled at you for donations at Ann Arbor’s Bird performance series. We gave you something you couldn’t get anywhere else: whiskey and art with chili Christmas lights in a ballet studio. I am available to organize your open mic, perform insights into my sexual misadventures, and make sure no one tries to sneak in without paying the goddam suggested donation.

And let’s of course not forget that I’m a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING DRAG QUEEN! Here’s one recent shot:

1520714_10103446877975723_1143536452_n

I’m motherfucking fabulous! Get into it!

Golly, is that it? Not by a long shot!

My personal specialty is spouting off about fucked-up shit. I’ve even written a very popular handy guide about drag show etiquette! I try to bring people together, but let it never be said I’m not also prepped to give a good tongue lashing. I am available for services in rendering specious homophobic, sexist, racist, classist and otherwise fucked-up arguments impotent while making heads spin at the speed of snark (at least 98 per cent the speed of light).

All right, Mr. Steel, I think we have everything…

I think not!

Have I mentioned that I am an ardent food lover, and that that passion extends to coffee, tea and beer? Or that I am the oldest of seven and have more babysitting experience than you can shake a stick at? My experience tutoring in Russian and editing English papers for ESL students? My almost encyclopedic knowledge of American politics? The fact that I am the internet’s leading authority on the word faggot? My ability to turn spare cardboard and crayons into devastating critiques of contemporary society?

The fact that I wear really cute shoes?

Gosh, after all of that – and really, what more could you want? – I just know you’re dying to hire me for all of your gay/Jewish/Russian-speaking/performance art/folk music/email campaign/art analysis/human herpesvirus/political critique/foody/babysitting & editing needs.

Oh, did I mention I’m currently learning Korean AND American Sign Language?

Thanking you in advance for your consideration,
Schlomo Steel

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