I don’t care why I’m gay

Hello kittens,

I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much lately. I know ones and ones of you are weeping and gnashing your teeth, and I really do appreciate your readership, without which I would be merely a fag tap-dancing in the dark. So thank you.

Now, I’ve an awful lot to say, so I might as well start saying it.

I don’t care why I’m gay.

I simply don’t care.

Which is to say that I don’t even find it to be a compelling question. I literally and utterly do not care why I am gay.

It has been very freeing over the past few years to realize that just because an ideological controversy exists does not mean that it requires my attention.

I’ll give you another example.

I used to and occasionally still do for the sake of convenience call myself an atheist, because it is in at least the textbook sense true that I do not believe in a god or gods.

However, although I know it was something of a joke, I feel the far more correct appellation for my feelings about god/s and religion is apatheism, which is to say that I do not find the question of the existence of a god or gods to be an interesting one, or one that is worthy of my time, and I feel that calling myself an atheist forces me to pick sides in a battle that I find to be both soporific and juvenile.

Atheism is a reactionary identity, and I’ve never really liked being defined by what I’m not. Why should I be forced to put a label on myself because other people want to have an argument about definitionally unknowable “higher powers”? If I were to contend that the universe and everything in it were created moments ago by a great smiley face living in the sun, should you be forced to have an identity based on whether or not you agree with me? Would you like to be an asmileyfatheist just because I propose some damn fool notion?

I don’t know (or care!) particularly why I’m this way, but since about the age of ten I can remember asking myself over and over again, “why don’t people just agree to disagree and shut the fuck up already?”

If we were all to make a compact with each other to not entangle ourselves materially or ideologically with the parts of each other’s lives that do not affect anyone else, we could just stop all this madness.

Western thought was supposed to be cured of the relentless need for universals by post-structuralism, etc., but it is in fact one of the main failings of our present inherited thought that instead of truly and genuinely supplanting universals with gray areas and intersections and personal freedoms that we instead seek to create mere oppositional universals.

I am bereft of the reasoning to explain why people cannot accept that other people have different experiences than their own, when there is in fact an insurmountable quantity of evidence to suggest just that.

It is not tenable to replace someone else’ incorrect universal with your own.

It is not tenable to insist that everyone experience something the way you do in order for your experience to be valid or true.

It’s not tenable and it’s not decent, either.

I don’t care why I’m gay. Caring why I’m gay gives the etiology of sexuality power that I don’t think it deserves.

If you are (rightly) offended that large segments of the orthodox gay rights movement want to tell you why you’re _____, then I support you. But I must also point out that doing the same thing to other people is – well, it’s the same damn thing. It is, as I have discussed before, an act of identity colonialism, and it’s not a good look on anyone.

Human sexuality is probably as interesting and diverse as all of the people who ever have lived, are living and ever will live as well as the sum total of their genes and lived and even unlived experiences, and probably so much more.

I will not be told I had no choice in the matter and that’s why society should give me my rights any more than I will be held to some new universal about the empowerment of choice.

I don’t care why I’m gay. And it’s not a cop-out. It is a radical disengagement, a refusal to be defined by other people’s ideological hobby horses.

If the etiology of your sexuality is interesting to you, then go in peace. But you – no matter who you are – don’t have the right to say that whatever you find along your way applies to anyone else.

I’m not the proof an ideology. I’m a person, dammit.

~Big Mama Schlomo

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