murder mystery – Easter bin

notebooks in top two drawers

disk in Falling Up

This is written on the stiff cardboard backing from a school notepad that is mostly used up. I no longer understand the referents, but I know one thing: I was hiding.

These are instructions to find things I had written that I was so afraid of other people finding that I hid them, even from myself. Then I sketched this treasure map in my fat adolescent hand with a thick black permanent marker. The note itself was then hidden in the pocket of another old notebook, filled with more innocuous fare.

I wonder what was on that disk. I wonder what that murder mystery was about. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing I would write, but a teenager can write anything and everything. I’d like to think it means I was stretching myself, but probably it was crap culled from all the true crime shows I’d watch with my mom.

Probably some of the characters were queer. That is mostly why I hid things as a child. Used to write about my feelings for other boys in black pen on black paper so that snoops would have to work too hard to figure it out.

As if that were the only way.

I hoped for a while I weren’t really gay – mostly to prove people wrong. Other people figured it out before me, and it was entirely maddening.

It’s cruel that your pursuers can know you before you do. It’s cruel that a ten year old can get beat for sex he won’t have for years and years.

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