Non-fiction: The single most honest personals ad ever

The single most honest personals ad ever

Wanted: one gay or bisexual man, mid-20s to mid-30s, whose lack of drive and initiative is similar to my own. I do not, I repeat do not want to discuss grad school, and your deeply fulfilling career in your degree field is pretty much a non-starter for me. Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis for MFA students, especially bi-curious ones.

Are you caught in arrested development? Do you like watching Arrested Development? Are you excellent at snuggling and terrible at remembering people’s birthdays? Do you believe that you can be seen in public with your sex partner without it being a whole goddamned thing? Then I may be the bloke for you.

I just want a guy without a lot of discernible goals who pays most of his bills on time and whose apartment doesn’t have bugs as a result of hygiene. We can, like, get a beer and snark on law students and then arm wrestle for the last piece of pizza before we have satisfying, comfortable sex. Then we’ll put on Netflix and try to shoehorn your aging cat into a convenient position, falling asleep in a tangled mass of hairy, indelibly awkward limbs that somehow makes sense without speaking great volumes to our “future together.”

If any of the dudes who work at 8 Ball are secretly gay, they are probably perfect for me.

If you have a tattoo you kind of regret, or 30 you don’t, and if you make too little money for too much work, I wanna rub your back at the end of the day. I can make literally any kind of egg – even poached! – and I’ll probably let you get me high one time and then deeply regret it. Although all that really happens when I get high is that I order a pizza and then crawl into bed to listen to Margaret Cho records, so at least you’ll get a show out of it.

I’m a nice, beleaguered faggot who’s not looking for much. I may no longer even believe in love, but I believe very strongly in friendship and the power of making other people cum. I almost certainly lack the ability to become deeply attached, although I wouldn’t mind a couple of strings. Just enough to remember to tell you this dumb thing a customer asked today, because I know you’ll have a good story, too.

If interested, please leave an original mixed media collage and a bottle of R&R on the train tracks behind the 8 Ball. I’ll figure out the rest.

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